Missing Solace

P R E G N A N C Y L O S S S U P P O R T

OUR STORY

Losing what matters most

I had a fairly regular pregnancy. The usual inconveniences, back pains, morning sickness, fatigue etc. And all the joys, feeling the movements, looking for names, talking to my baby. All my OBGYN appointments were met and very routine. At about 5 months we had a scheduled ultrasound and were trying to determine the gender of the baby, and could not quite get a good look, but what we got was a very cute ultrasound that had us elated. It looked like our baby was giving us a "thumbs up" and I took it as our baby sending us a message that everything was ok.

But just a short time after there was another scan that changed our world.

On July 25th, I had a comprehensive scan of the baby and what was discovered is that she had some potentially serious issues. She appeared to have a cyst on her brain and an enlarged kidney. We sought the advice of medical professionals to try and determine the best course of action for delivery and post-delivery treatment.

The night of Saturday 9th August, my water broke. We went to the hospital, and the medical personnel were hopeful that we could stay the pregnancy long enough for the baby to grow some more and have a better chance for survival. We were hopeful also as I had not gone into labour and she was still moving constantly.

Another ultrasound on Monday 11th August showed a much more grim picture than we had anticipated. I talked to my daughter and told her that if she wanted me to fight for her I would fight with my all, but if the fight was too difficult for her I would understand. Then that night I went into labour.

I delivered the baby, and a medical team was on standby to deal with her. They worked on her diligently for half an hour while I prayed expecting her little chest to raise every moment. But it was not to be. The doctor told me they did all they could but that her lungs were very underdeveloped because of the enlarged kidney.

They wrapped her up and left my husband and I with her. We called her Solace, which means comfort in a time of sorrow. My Mom then came in to see her.

My family left and we all thought my journey was over, when I began to bleed. I remembered seeing my pressure reading as 60/40 and wondered how low it needed to be before you die. I underwent surgery for a torn cervix. Then I started on the road to healing.

The emotional healing has been a longer, harder process than the physical. But I have had great support from my family and friends. My mother has been my angel. And my husband has been so wonderful and strong. And though he has had to deal with this tough time in his own way, he has given me so much support. And I am thankful that I had him to face this with.

The source of my strength has been my faith in God. To read more on how he has walked with me through this gauntlet, click here on Faith & Solace.

I never expected her to die. I thought that there might be challenges, but not death. It was very difficult dealing with the fact that she had died and I had nothing of her to hold on to. Then a very dear colleague gave me a sympathy gift of an angel figurine. I wrote "Solace" on it and there started the symbol of an angel as my reminder for Solace. I've bought an angel sun-catcher, wrote her name in silver, and hung it in the window near to our family photos. I also put an angel pin with her birthstone in my car. I thought at one point for my grief to pass I would have to try to stifle my feelings for her. But I've found bringing her memory along makes me much happier. After all, she will always be my daughter.

I felt that others would be struggling with very similar issues. And as I have stumbled through finding my way, maybe I could give someone else a smoother path to follow. I hope this site brings you healing in some way.

My love and respect goes out to every heart that has been crushed by a baby's death.