Missing Solace - Tending to the Brokenhearted

Missing Solace

P R E G N A N C Y L O S S S U P P O R T

Tending to the Brokenhearted

No one is ever deliberately unkind or insensitive to someone who has lost a baby. Most people, even those very close, have no idea of what to do or say. There really is nothing that can be done to "make the person better" but this page outlines some suggestions as to how to treat those who are left brokenhearted by the loss of their baby.

#1 TIP - Save the sermon. At the recent loss of her baby, the sentiment that will console a grieving mother the most is...

I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am sorry your baby died. I wish that this had never happened to you.

More Helpful tips on what to do and say:

• Understand that a child has died
Treat the family the way you would for the death of any other family member. Call, send sympathy cards, flowers etc.
• Be there
Don't stay away because you're not sure how to act or what to say. Follow the lead of the person grieving. Listen if they would like to talk, sit with them in silence, hug them, hold their hand.
• Respect the silence
Out of concern, people ask for details. If and when they're ready, they'll share what they think is appropriate. Respect whatever information is shared or not shared as they see fit.
• Hold back giving advice
Everyone handles grief in their own way. Please understand what a vulnerable time this is, and be aware that well-meaning advice might be taken as insensitive. The inference that it's better this way, makes the event as significant as grass growing or rain falling. No matter what might have been wrong with the baby, he / she was precious to their parents just the way they were. Or the suggestion that they can have another baby. This was a person. No one person can be switched out for another.
• Call the baby by his / her name
If the baby has been given a name, please refer to him / her by that name unless specifically asked not to by the parents. This shows that you see the baby as a person. Don't be afraid to refer to the baby by name in recounting events and occasions that may have included preparations for the baby etc. This will demonstrate that he / she also had an impact on your life and has not been forgotten.
• No time restrictions
There is no set time for a person to grieve. Somehow people expect the grieving process for this circumstance to be shorter than that of another family member. This is not the case. For whatever the duration of time, the mother has had the closest relationship two people can have. She already knew the person inside her. Fathers have made accommodations for their new family member. Other close family have been filled with hope and expectation. These things were suddenly and permanently taken away. The weight of the loss takes its own time to heal.
• Be mindful of special dates and occasions
There will be random days and times that will be difficult, but there will be especially difficult days. Due date, delivery date, special occasions like birthdays, Mother's and Father's Day, religious observances like Christmas etc. These are all reminders that a special family member is missing. Acknowledging what the person might be going through will show that you care.
• Check in from time to time
After a while people forget. Remember after some time has passed, to check in on how they are coping. And if there is any assistance you can offer.
• A changed life
Understand that losing a baby can be life changing. Expect that there may be a shift in attitudes, priorities etc.
• Hard to see what's missing
Interacting with pregnant women and newborns will be very difficult for some time.
• Share your own experience
If you have also been through the loss of a baby, and are able to talk about it, share your experience. Many people have lost children through miscarriage or stillbirth, yet separately, we feel so isolated. Reach out so that others know that they are not alone. Remember that we all grieve differently. Be the ears and open arms of someone who truly understands.
• Be mindful of Dad
Dads so often feel forgotten in the loss of their child. Most people realise the physical and emotional pain of the mother but feel that the father did not really "know" the baby. Just as there are "Expectant Moms" there are "Expectant Dads". From the beginning, Dads adjust their lives to incorporate their new child. Emotional, mental, and financial considerations and changes are made. They have their special hopes, and dreams. The baby learns the tone of their voice and responds. The whole new direction their life would have taken, has been suddenly and completely destroyed. The tips above apply to Dads too.
Moms and Dads may not deal with the loss in the same way and need to be given the support that they each require, for the duration that is needed.
• Don't forget the children
To help a child who might have been close to the baby (sibling, cousin etc) consider the following:
- Explain in an age appropriate way, that the baby has died. That means that he / she will not be with us, but will always be remembered and loved. Saying "we lost the baby" might be confusing because of its literal meaning.
- Ask them how they feel. Don't discount, discredit, or try to correct their feelings. Let them know what they feel is normal; and share that your feelings are similar too.
- Allow them to ask questions and answer as simply and honestly as possible. Try to be patient as repeated questions are just their attempt to understand what has happened.
- Ask what they would like to do for the baby.They may also feel the need to remember the baby in some way.
- Involve them in any observances held for the baby.